Go ahead and think that Michael Keaton’s recent antics at a Pirates-Braves game are cute because you like his movies and you think he’s just having a good time. But he’s really just the worst kind of baseball fan, and definitely not the kind of dude you want in your section during a meaningless game in early June.
I came up with a half-dozen reasons to support my argument.
1. He was there to watch the visiting team, yet wanted to police the home team’s fans.
Sorry, Mike, but when you watch your team play on the road, you may hear some unsavory things projected at your favorite player. Relax and block it out. Let the players get the last laugh; Andrew McCutchen sure did.
2. You can’t call “Scoreboard” in the middle of a game and then leave.
Calling “Scoreboard” on some jabroni is only cute if your team goes on to win the game. The “Scoreboard” call isn’t something that should be taken lightly. With that statement comes great responsibility. You can’t just leave the stadium after saying that to an opposing fan. You have to stick it out after that, and as long as your team doesn’t choke, you can give that clown one of these:
3. Homeboy brought some light reading to a baseball game.
C’mon dude, you’re sitting in the expensive seats. Leave the homework at home. You’re a movie star; there’ll be plenty of time to catch up on your reading in the morning at the coffee shop.
4. Ever been near “Well, actually …” guy at a sporting event? It’s the worst.
Yes, I’m heckling a world-class, millionaire athlete. Of course he has a better life than me and just about everything I’m saying is ridiculous. You don’t have to defend your favorite player’s honor. Your analysis of my trash-talk is a waste of breath.
5. The person he was setting straight was a COLLEGE KID.
A big ol’ movie star is worried about some bro talking smack to Pittsburgh’s best player? You were Mr. Mom like 30 years ago, Mikey K. No need to revive the role just to call out some college kid.
6. He wore that outfit to a baseball game.
Anyone who calls out a heckler at a baseball game while wearing a flowered shirt isn’t staying in their lane. If you’re such a diehard, throw on a Pirates shirt. If you didn’t bring one, buy one. We’re a city of transient frontrunners; Champs Sports sells McCutchen shirts. So does the street vendor outside Turner Field, probably. They know their customers, and there were a lot of Pittsburgh fans at the ballpark over the weekend.
Disclaimer: This was written tongue-in-cheek, so don’t tweet “Scoreboard” at me, Michael.
Photo via Getty/Deadspin