The day Jameis Winston stole crab legs and the world went into the (Publix seafood) tank

FSU quarterback Jameis Winston made (hilarious) national headlines in April when he was cited for a theft of crab legs at a Tallahassee Publix. (Photo origin unknown)
Courtesy of the finest source ... the Internet
Courtesy of the finest source … the Internet


There’s two sides to this whole Jameis-Winston-crab-leg-stealing debate, and I’m going to take both of them.

He’s a 20 year old doing 20-year-old things … let’s all settle downrtwes

Since the statute of limitations is probably up on this one, it’s time for me to come clean. On exactly three occasions during my tenure as a college student at the same university currently educating Mr. Winston, I used a “water cup” at the Tennessee Street Moe’s to “steal” Sprite. I know what you’re thinking – why didn’t this kid get an honorary doctorate from Florida State at that very instant???

Call it a last-second change of heart or just being a broke-ass college student, but it happened. I actually did that. Fast-forward a few years on those very same hallowed grounds, and Jameis Winston is using a ketchup holder to commit the very same heinous crime.

Damn kids. We were all such angels in college; Why can’t the star quarterback behave himself?

Stealing crab legs might be a tenth of a step up from soda stealing on the crime ladder, but let’s be honest – the biggest crime here was taking crab legs instead of getting one of their delicious subs.

So shall we give him the firing line or the electric chair?

Really, Jameis? Really?

There’s this part of me that still hopes Jameis is a good apple. Despite the rape allegation, the bb gun battle with his friends in the parking lot of an apartment complex, the stealing soda from a fountain at the BK lounge and now the crab leg theft from Club Pub, I want to believe it’s all a mistake. The dude is a college kid, and sometimes college kids do dumb stuff, but it doesn’t make him a felon.

But this dude keeps slipping up!

It’s true that if this situation (or the bb gun situation, or the soda theft) has happened to Mr. Nobody Third String, it wouldn’t be a national story, or even a news story at all. But because it happened to Jameis, these things are a big deal all of a sudden.

However, Jameis should know that, and stop doing these things. If you’re famous, your actions become famous, so stop making boneheaded decisions.

On the bright side, the Tallahassee Police Department finally found their one strength: Keeping the Publix seafood aisle crime-free.

Finally, my favorites from the day the Internet dropped everything to make awesome Photoshop responses to the incident.

Jameis Winston crabs

Heisman Trophy crab leg

Jameis Winston crab

And we caaaaaan’t stop … and we woooooon’t stop …

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