Perhaps the best news I read all week was the announcement that Lunchables are back – for adults.
Instead of Lunchables, they’re being called P3, or Portable Protein Pack, according to a Time.com report. You remember the little pizzas and crackers with meat and cheese? It’s a little like that, except the adult version comes with meat, cheese and nuts.
Because this was the best way to turn around a bad morning in elementary school, I propose that we start doling out these P3 meals to people who need them the most. I’ve made a list of nine such people, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Leave me a comment if you can think of a few more.
Is there any doubt this guy would benefit right now from a couple of Lunchables? They squashed many a playground disagreement; Why wouldn’t they help calm this dude down? Someone fix him one of those pizzas with the sauce that oozes from the plastic packaging, and the crust that tastes a little like a stale saltine.
Just because he needs to sober up, and a P3 may help with his munchies, too.
My man right here
His name is Steve Keeley, and he got absolutely owned by a snow plow during a live report in New Jersey on Monday. You can read more about it on weather.com.
He’s always being a jerk, and he’s way too full of himself. A Lunchables would cure all of the Donald’s problems, don’t you think?
We can’t eat meat on Ash Wednesday or any Friday during Lent, and I’m pretty sure there’s no real meat in any of the Lunchables. I’m sure God won’t mind.
Ken Griffey, Jr.
Seriously, dude? You decided it was a good idea to take the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Thursday with a rifle in hand? You really thought that wasn’t even a little bit crazy? C’mon, man.
This rec-league softball coach
I almost joined a softball team run by the world's biggest asshole. Close call. pic.twitter.com/7KZNook4wQ
— The real Jon Brodkin (@jbrodkin) March 6, 2014
Yeah, you do sound like a douche.
Seriously, it’s been too long. I need to go find an Adult Lunchables, or really any kind of Lunchables, for my lunch break tomorrow. CLEAR MY SCHEDULE AND THE MICROWAVE.