9 adults who really need an Adult Lunchables right now

Lunchables Pizza


Perhaps the best news I read all week was the announcement that Lunchables are back – for adults.

Instead of Lunchables, they’re being called P3, or Portable Protein Pack, according to a Time.com report. You remember the little pizzas and crackers with meat and cheese? It’s a little like that, except the adult version comes with meat, cheese and nuts.

Because this was the best way to turn around a bad morning in elementary school, I propose that we start doling out these P3 meals to people who need them the most. I’ve made a list of nine such people, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Leave me a comment if you can think of a few more.

Vladimir Putin

Is there any doubt this guy would benefit right now from a couple of Lunchables? They squashed many a playground disagreement; Why wouldn’t they help calm this dude down? Someone fix him one of those pizzas with the sauce that oozes from the plastic packaging, and the crust that tastes a little like a stale saltine.

Justin Bieber

Just because he needs to sober up, and a P3 may help with his munchies, too.

My man right here

Steve Keeley GIF

His name is Steve Keeley, and he got absolutely owned by a snow plow during a live report in New Jersey on Monday. You can read more about it on weather.com.

Donald Trump

He’s always being a jerk, and he’s way too full of himself. A Lunchables would cure all of the Donald’s problems, don’t you think?

Every Catholic

We can’t eat meat on Ash Wednesday or any Friday during Lent, and I’m pretty sure there’s no real meat in any of the Lunchables. I’m sure God won’t mind.

Ken Griffey, Jr.


Mitch McConnell

BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images
BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images

Seriously, dude? You decided it was a good idea to take the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference on Thursday with a rifle in hand? You really thought that wasn’t even a little bit crazy? C’mon, man.

This rec-league softball coach

Yeah, you do sound like a douche.

Me

Seriously, it’s been too long. I need to go find an Adult Lunchables, or really any kind of Lunchables, for my lunch break tomorrow. CLEAR MY SCHEDULE AND THE MICROWAVE.