Toomer’s Corner’s oaks are gone … now what?

AP Photo/Dave Martin
AP Photo/Dave Martin

On Saturday afternoon, after the annual Spring Game, Auburn friends and family assembled at the corner of College Street and Magnolia Avenue to roll the fabled Toomer’s Corner oaks one final time. It was a tradition that marked Auburn Football victories, and the trees had a special mystique when lined with toilet paper.

Don’t ask — it’s Alabama.

Tradition as it was, it’s sad to see it end for a fanbase that cherished it so dearly. Even sadder is the reason why it ended — because a sinister Alabama fan named Harvey Updyke killed the trees by poisoning them, two years ago.

(Also read: Major “facepalm” moment happens in Georgia)

Auburn said it plans to replace the trees in time, but not until the soil has fully cleansed itself of the poison. New oaks will probably be planted in place of the deceased trees that were removed on Tuesday, and there will be a nice little network of poles and wires installed to honor Toomer’s Corner in the meantime, according to

Maybe it’s a bad idea to plant two new trees in the same spot as the old ones. I’m willing to entertain the thought that there might be more than one crazy Alabama fan out there. It’s a stretch, I know, but maybe there’s one more person in the Crimson Tide faithful that just ain’t right.

Call me crazy. And sarcastic.

Here’s a few other objects they could roll in the future instead of two new oaks:

Harvey Updyke. I don’t have to make the correlation between toilet paper and pieces of s*** for you. Plus, it would be a fitting punishment for the crime he committed.

Fake trees. Make ’em real big. And imagine the look on the next guy’s face when he tries to poison a couple of plastic trees. It’s the perfect plan to make some Bammer’s head explode.

Heismans won by Bo Jackson and Cam Newton. There’s two of them, just like the trees. Auburn fans are mighty proud of them, just like the trees. Put them in big cases shaped like trees. It’s an extravaganza of tradition.

Each other. Hell, just throw toilet paper at each other. That way, you won’t need to pressure-wash living things to get them clean every weekend!

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